The Forgiveness Chronicles: My Journey Toward Self-Forgiveness
To forgive and be forgiven. Perhaps that is as grand as to ‘love and be loved in return’ (to quote the song Nature Boy). I have read many books and stories of forgiveness for terrible atrocities and wrong doings. Where ordinary everyday citizens of the world are somehow humbled so deeply that they can reach into their hearts and find compassion for murderers, killers, war lords, extortionists and rapists. I have also read some of the works of leaders in the concepts of forgiveness and peace like the Dali Lama, Leymah Gbowee, Nelson Mandela and Bishop Desmond Tutu and their stories of leadership to inspire forgiveness in others. There is something so profound about humans and their capacity to hold love and forgiveness toward those who have directly harmed them that blows my heart open. To see each other in such humanity, with such compassion! There is a real wonder in this exploration for me.
Then there is my simple little life and world. A world where I have witnessed the most petty of transgressions be held with the vile anger and hatred you would expect for a war criminal. A world where I live without being forgiven, where I can struggle to forgive and mostly where I am in deep struggle to forgive myself.
I guess this is where the work has to start. This space of self-forgiveness, where a part of me does not want to let myself off the hook so easily, to stay in the victimhood and the justification of the reasons for my behaviours. There is another part of me that wants to make sure I am accountable and responsible for my words and deeds in the world so I can grow and learn. I worry that self-forgiveness may also let me off the hook too easily. I think about perpetrators of violence and other harms and wonder how they find the path to self-forgiveness.
I love the quote by Maya Angelou where she says “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better”. Lately I have been thinking about the shadow of this idea. Does this notion let me off the hook too easily for failed parenting, hurting friends and harming acquaintances? What about all the times I did know better and still did harm? Like yelling at my children or abandoning them in their times of need? I did know better than that and in those moments that knowledge seemed to disappear. I feel like I need to tweak this quote to include some kind of disclaimer about capacity, “Do the best you can until you have capacity to do better. Then when you have the capacity to do better, do that” and maybe she meant that too?
On this self-forgiveness journey, I need to understand whether I am motivated by guilt or shame. I yearn to sink back into the weightlessness of a life without shame, my inability to forgive myself keeps me in shame, which keeps me closed off. There was this magic window in my life where I lived without guilt or shame, it lasted a few years. Some kind of confidence born out of complete surrender and acceptance into what is. Brene Brown talks about how guilt is motivating to change behaviour and shame is not. I am not always sure how I distinguish the two.
During those guilt and shame free years it felt like liberation and my growth also felt exponential. I was genuinely care free from the opinions and perceived thoughts of others for the first time in my life. I was care free from the paranoia monsters I create in my head. I was weightless, almost giddy with a whole lack of giving a f***k. What caused it? Some kind of sudden radical shift in my perception. I wondered if I was actually experiencing some kind of mania, such was my clear sense of self. It was not that I stopped caring for people and their thoughts of me, I just became more selective on who I put my care on. Another frame is I radically shifted from being a co-dependent to independent. Most importantly what I remember was my capacity to hold great acceptance of multiple truths. My own truth was clear and kind and I could hold other people’s with the same respect. Of course in many ways it was not a radical shift. I had been doing my inner work for so long I think I finally got sick of the sound of my co-dependency and just had to give it up. Finally decided to adult, have agency in myself and my decisions. I was actively in self-forgiveness.
After four or so years this confidence started to fade. It was not a sudden, ‘I hate myself again’…it was very sneaky and gradual. A slow burn of seeking endless evidence of why I am not a worthy person. My parenting failures, my failed friendships, my social exclusions, my lack of career advancement, my failed intimate relationships - all evidence. My ego had gone from manic to morbid. I was once again in a place of shame, self-blame and doubt. Offending and upsetting those I love. Harming my children through lack of presence and insight into their needs. The harm I can do in this state. The sabotage, the self-injury. The invitation to let everyone lay blame at my feet — to be my own victim.
Today, as I start to write in the early morning and butterflies are swarming a tree in my front yard as a signal of new beginnings and beauty, I find I am somewhere in the middle of this mania and know that the path to my internal peace is forgiveness. Consciously and carefully I practice self-forgiveness — I attempt to hold peace within. I practice responsibility and accountability, I let myself grow, I am clear of my own truths and hold others truths with compassions. Mostly I surrender to what is before me. I can’t change the world or what has been before so I go inward for peace. I try to love where it hurts, forgive where it’s cruel and be kind where it’s meanest.
May we always find the courage to forgive ourselves and the courageous vulnerability to forgive others.
